Silhouette of a woman by the water, embracing strength and softness
Alchemy

Backbone & Flesh: Embracing the Full Spectrum of Self

“You don’t make any sense.”

I’ve heard that line in every possible tone — flat statement, confused question, passive-aggressive criticism.
What people really mean is:

I can’t categorize you, and that makes me uncomfortable.

Because people love neat labels.
They want us filed, sorted, defined.

Are you tough or emotional?
Are you the soft one or the strong one?
Are you the nurturing woman or the woman with boundaries?

But here’s the truth nobody teaches us:

The human body holds both backbone and raw flesh.
Why would our spirit be any different?

We are not meant to be one thing.

We are meant to be all of it.

The Myth of Being “One Thing”

From a young age, we’re coded into identities:

  • The smart one
  • The pretty one
  • The strong one
  • The easy one

Families love labels — they keep everyone organized.

But those labels harden into cages.

Growing up, I was the youngest of three girls.
The easy one. The compliant one.
The one who didn’t rock the boat.

That identity became a personality trait, and then — a prison.
Because once people get comfortable with “your role,”
they don’t know what to do with any version of you that doesn’t match it.

Being assigned one identity means betraying every other part of yourself.

That’s the real contradiction.

The Truth of Human Complexity

For people who don’t know me well — coworkers, acquaintances, people passing through — I’m a 5’3” woman with tan skin, a high ponytail, a bit “done up.”
They see makeup and hair and assume they know my story.

They assume:

  • endless cardio
  • vanity-driven fitness
  • tiny meals followed by smaller portions

And when they find out that I lift heavy — truly heavy — I watch their brain glitch.

“But you still look feminine.”
 “But you like hair and makeup.”

As if strength cancels out softness.
As if femininity can’t coexist with power.

I’ve been called a walking contradiction.

But I’m not a contradiction at all.

I’m just whole.

The Cost of Denying Opposites

When we try to live as only one thing, we amputate parts of ourselves to make other people comfortable.

Strength without softness becomes rigidity.
Softness without strength becomes collapse.

We flatten ourselves to avoid being misunderstood.

But the cost of “making sense” to others is that we stop making sense to ourselves.

The Duality of Backbone and Flesh

When my father passed away last year, my duality surfaced in full force — unfiltered and undeniable.

I had backbone:

  • making impossible medical decisions
  • supporting my mother and sisters
  • speaking truth no one wanted to say out loud

And I had flesh:

  • grief
  • exhaustion
  • the ache of a daughter who wanted more time

I wasn’t oscillating between two identities.

I was both — simultaneously, fully.

That’s when I realized:

Wholeness isn’t choosing one side.
Wholeness is allowing them both to breathe.

The Duality I Witness in My Mother

I see this alchemy in my mother.

From the outside, people see resilience — a woman who travels, socializes, keeps herself active.
A pillar of strength.

But she is also a widow.
Grieving. Missing her partner. Talking to him every day.

She holds both strength and sorrow.
Both backbone and flesh.

Proof that complexity isn’t chaos —
complexity is capacity.

Complexity Is Not Confusion

We think contradictions are flaws.
We believe duality needs “explaining.”

But complexity isn’t confusion.

Complexity is truth.

I am grounded and spirited.
I love discipline and I love spaciousness.
I’m laid-back and structured.
Strong and permeable.

I am black and white,
and every shade of gray in between.

So are you.

The Everyday Dualities We Live

Look around:

  • The CEO who nurtures her kids like a soft landing pad.
  • The mother who carries exhaustion and joy in the same breath.
  • The woman who is both deeply confident and secretly terrified.

We are always both.

Movement taught me this.

In yoga:

The more you root, the more you rise.

In lifting:

Strength is built through resistance.
Softness is built through recovery.

Becoming isn’t choosing one side —
it’s learning to hold all of it.

Embracing the AND, Not the OR

Society rewards simplicity:

You’re tough. Stay there.
You’re sensitive. Stay there.
You’re structured. Stay there.

But power comes from refusing to shrink into a single identity.

You are allowed to be layered.
You are allowed to contradict assumptions.

You don’t owe anyone simplicity.

“Contradictions don’t make you confusing. They make you whole.”

5 Ways to Live as Backbone & Flesh

  1. Replace “but” with “and”
     “I’m confident and insecure.”
    Both can be true.
  2. Name both truths without explaining
     “I like being soft. I like being strong.”
    No justification required.
  3. Use the body as proof
     Muscles need contraction and release.
    You are no different.
  4. Watch the labels you accept
     When someone declares you “the tough one” or “the sensitive one,” ask:
    Is that true — or is that convenient?
  5. Let your complexity be visible
     The moment you stop hiding, you stop abandoning yourself.

Closing Reflection

The next time someone tells you:

“You don’t make any sense.”

I hope you take it as a compliment.

A reminder that you cannot be boxed.
That you are not here to be filed neatly into categories.

You are backbone and flesh.
Strength and softness.
Grounded and boundless.

Your wholeness lives in the places you refuse to simplify.

You don’t have to be one thing.
You are many.
And that is sacred.